I have struggled with weight loss for most of my life. Part
of the reason is impatience. I tried to find the quick fix to my problem only
to give up, regain what I’ve lost plus some. The other reason is that I never
really felt fat. Maybe there are people out there that can relate to that. I
would imagine this psychosis is similar to an anorexic not seeing them-selves
as thin. The only time I realized that my size was an issue was when I shopped
for clothes (that is before all the plus size shops opened). Perhaps I would
not have reached this point if finding clothes that fit wasn't so simple. But I
digress.
I even bought into the ridiculous mindset that this is what
my body wanted and all I needed was to accept my body for what it was. I think it’s
called “positive body image.” I’m not saying it’s wrong. I am just suspecting my
brain did not process that to my benefit. I lived that way for 15
years, just eating to my heart’s content without monitoring or listening to my
body. After all that is how my body was preconditioned to be and my weight was stable, more or less.
Like everything else, abuses will catch up to you. Lately I’ve
been asking myself the how’s and why’s to my condition? Honestly I don’t know. I
will gander a guess that somewhere along the line the pleasure response I got
from eating filled a void or was a response to a trigger. Or maybe it was just
the thrill of eating. I’m starting to pay more attention to the why’s since I
already know the how. Also, I will not argue that there definitely are
different body types and metabolisms. But none of these are excuses for living
a lifestyle that threatens one’s health and happiness. I am on the road to
discovery now. There is no one perfect diet and no magic pill. I need to find
what works for me.
So, how did I finally wake up? It started with a trip to the
doctor’s office a little over two and a half years ago and discovering I had
slightly elevated blood pressure. Until then, it was always perfect. I also
discovered I was 25 pounds over my “normal established” weight. I quickly realized
the reasons; getting laid off and quitting smoking. The “amount” of weight gain
came as a shock as my clothing size did not significantly change (that is a
whole other level of annoyance with clothing manufactures). Due to limited
finances I didn’t shop much but when I did I still fit into the same size.
However, I didn’t fit into what was already in my closet. I needed to get that
weight off quickly, first with Weight Watchers, then the Atkins program. Atkins
seemed to work better and when a new job opportunity came I fit into my
pre-layoff professional work clothes.
But, I still wasn’t there yet. I had not changed enough. I
was still looking for that magic fat burning pill, or diet plan that would shed
the pounds without effort. Atkins had stalled and I started falling into old
eating patterns which meant “it is what it is.” On a positive note I did make
other changes. I took care of other medical issues that needed to be addressed.
I got complete check-ups both physical and dental. Basically, I took a stand. I was responsible for myself. And just as unemployment
insurance was running out I found work. It was stressful but I embraced the corporate
culture and within a year I felt pretty comfortable with the job and my co-workers. I was
becoming my old positive self again.
The second year passed quickly. Thankfully no more weight gain and I continued to put
myself first. Then something incredible happened. My subconscious wanted a
slimmer me. It told me so in a dream, a lovely dream where I was admiring a
svelte me in the mirror. Now I don’t mean model slim. That would be
unrealistic. Trust me, I looked good. I had never had such a dream before and I
couldn’t forget it either. Still, at that time it was not enough to change me.
But, I did start to take vitamins and make better food choices and considered a
second shot at Weight Watchers or Nutrisystem.
Then came another layoff in March of this year. It was
totally unexpected and I am still reeling from it. The thought of having to go
through the trials of finding work again after only two years of steady
employment was devastating. And within a couple of months that emotional downswing showed up on the
scale. But, this time I vowed not to fall victim to my own neglect and
depression. I talked to myself. I reminded myself of all the positive steps I’ve
made to improve my health and I shouldn’t let this set back undo the course I
set for myself. I lost those five pounds in a week, not by starving but by
listening to my body. This was something new for me. It was not a diet. Those never worked for me long term.
What does work is breaking bad habits. I stopped smoking and that took several
attempts. If I could reprogram myself into a non-smoker then I can reprogram my
eating behavior. Worst case scenario my weight won’t go through the roof again.
Guess I’m on the right track because last night I had the second
“slim me” dream. Glorious! But there was something different. Though I looked
stunning in a canary yellow gown I was pointing out my physical shortcomings
that could not be corrected simply by losing weight (we all have something). This voice
spoke and said “No one can see those. They only bother you.” Well, if that isn’t
a smack in the head I don’t know what is.
Like I said earlier, my brain is programmed to overeat. With
that said I have taken the first step and admitted that I have a problem and set myself on a road to discovery:
- I am overweight because I overeat.
- I am learning to recognize my food triggers.
- I am learning to feel satisfied and not stuffed.
- I am learning that meals are to energize me, not weigh me down.
- I am determined, no matter how long it takes, to make the
dream a reality.
In closing I will add that I say a prayer with each meal:
Lord, thank you
for the meal I am about to receive. May this meal satisfy without gluttony.
May
the food nourish my body and soul. Allow me to eat without guilt knowing the
choices I made compliment your perfect design. And, I pray I chew well and don’t
choke. Amen.
